Some years ago I was quite proficient at this whole technologically aided self expression thing. I used to log on to the ol' internets ( a series of tubes) and pour out every thought that came to my head. I enjoyed it though sometimes think back about the posts, embarassed wondering why I would let such sentimental nonsense fall from my head for all to see. Nonetheless there was definitely something therapuetic about it and I suppose that release is something I'm craving once more.
The past few years of my life have been dominated by a sometimes obsessive but always difficult period of introspection, mostly an attempt to recover memories of tramautic events from earlier in life and begin to work through them. This reached a climax some months ago when for the first time in nearly 10 years I took myself to the doctors. Now for most people going to the doctor is a routine occurrence but for me I've come to realize that it takes on some sort of symbolic meaning that touches on several profound feelings I have about myself. I had an ear infection that got bad enough that I could not sleep and was experiencing more pain than at any point in my life. I didn't even know it was an ear infection and waited until the pain had kept me awake for most of three days before going to urgent care. The ear infection ended up being easy enough to treat (although I missed the pharmacy that night and had to suffer through a nearly unbearable night) but in the course of being seen for my ear infection the nurse nearly shit herself when she took my blood pressure. They didn't let me leave and were considering admitting me to the hospital so we can just say it was very bad. This of course scared me but not as much as the prospect of having to go back to the doctor for a follow up. I became very nervous and anxious and had something that felt similar to how I hear people describe a panic attack. The most terrifying thing for me was a feeling as though I had completely lost control lf my ability to regulate my outward appearance. I am often grappling with large feelings and strange thoughts but I have refined a sort of evolutionary adaptation by which I conceal my inner functions from the outside but this ability was lost as I sat in the exam room waiting for the nurse to come back and see if the pill they gave me had lowered my blood pressure to a low enough level that they wouldn't have to admit me to the hospital. I think that sense of being unable to control my appearance was scary because it threatened to reveal to someone else that I feel worthless in the most complete sense of the word.
The psychological web is a tangled one and I'm finding it difficult to unwind but often I am finding that the true fears and feelings that drive our darkest parts of ourselves run counter to intuition. For example when I told the few people I trusted about my experience at the doctor's their immediate reaction was to tell me I don't have to worry about being sick or that they understand my fear of being sick. The truth however, as best I have come to understand it, is that I'm actually not afraid of being sick but rather I'm truly mortified at the prospect that someone might try to make me better. I have come to a point of such self loathing, truly beyond a lack of confidence but approaching a sort of pathological self hatred, that the thought of someone actually taking the time to try to make me better is just kind of repulsive. I suppose similar to the way one might feel at seeing something pure and innocent corrupted by something vile and evil. The act of going to the doctor was essentially a statement of self worth it was a way of saying ot myself "You deserve to be well" to which another part of me responded with violent disgust. This struggle between these parts of myself is exhuasting, I am perpetually tired. Add to this a serious inability to fall asleep and I am often largely walking around mostly not conscious.
That's all for now. More later.
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