Breathe

As I breathe in I sense the anxiety beginning.

As I breathe out I embrace it.

I am writing this way and not that, which makes me feel regret and disappointment. I embrace the regret and the disappointment and turn myself to writing this way now.

I sometimes wonder if they understand the unique plight of poverty. I think in the end it’s irrelevant but it means more hurdles to pass and less margin for error. I can see that I must focus all my energies on deep awareness as any other energy is wasted. One of the profound thoughts he left me with is the simple idea of being present in the moment. Fear and anxiety he said, are anticipations of possible futures which may or may not happen. The pain and anger I carry are remnants of the past. My task is to be in the present. To prepare my body and mind to be fully engaged in the now and then to simply do it. I told him last night after he offered to share his home with me and filled me with love and acceptance; after he spoke of family and told me he was proud of me for what I had accomplished…after he said these things and told me I had everything one needed to be a powerful conductor, a musical mind, intelligence and an ability to conduct, after all that I told him that I was always struck by his ability to say to me and people I’ve seen him speak with, precisely what we are prepared to understand and to hear at any given moment. Before this trip I considered that quality to be some mystical talent possessed by a higher being. I think now that perhaps it is the result of a good deal of practice at being present in the moment. He is communicating so precisely with us because he is practicing deep awareness.

The thought that wants to surface now is an immense expression of gratitude. I am shy actually and I think I make him uncomfortable when I say it but I know he has saved my life. I find myself wanting to speak the words “how many times can a person be saved”. I love that man so very much.

I need to listen to myself more. I think that is an important step to take at this time. The suppression of my inner voice feels to be the cause of many of my problems. I must embrace these feelings and not run any longer.

As I breathe in, I sense the beginning of pain.

As I breathe out, I embrace the pain.

Thank You