What do you do when you find yourself more and more becoming ordinary? As each day pushes me further and further from youth I find myself a vessel for cliche emotional cargo. The change is not really welcomed but yet I'm strangely rather tolerant of the whole thing. Strange because I've so often prided myself on being odd. I despise predictability. I guess fundamentally the idea that our behavior is so cause/effect seems to equate to meaninglessness. I can't construct that link right now but it exists on an emotional level for me. 

What is scary about moving further and further away from youth is the ever increasing limitations of realism. That by growing older you become more and more cognizant of the possible and the "real" and less and less focused on that which should be, that which you desperately want to be and that which you know down in the most vulnerable part of your soul must be. Whereas a child thinks in dreams and potential, the adult sees only the difficulties and struggle in the way of progress. I feel fundamentally like a failure. I have accomplished almost nothing worth accomplishing. This fills me with disgust and leaves me unable to even contemplate the worth of my own existence. This is tempered only by the inextinguishable impulse to search for answers to the question "why" which in this case tells me a psychological pattern is at work. Namely that my mother made her love so conditional as to condition me to believe the only way to be worthy of love was to accomplish amazing things. I think the child in me sees a need to hold myself to this insane standard of accomplishment in the hopes that...

The feeling has gotten worse. It's grown steadily since last week. I'm exhausted. I don't have energy for anything. I want only to sleep all day.