Time and Place

It’s a sunny afternoon in a busy outdoor plaza. Young professionals buzz around on their smart phones cramming every second of productivity possible into the formerly independent acts of commuting, eating and anything else possible. Standing off to the side leaning against a building is a teenaged boy scanning the crowd as if he is looking for someone. He is out of place by manner of appearance and focus. He spot who he is looking for…

Teenaged Boy:“Wait! Stop!”

Man:(under his breath) “Shit. This asshole again…(out loud) yea listen I’m really late and I’d love to talk to you but I gotta run”

TB:“fuck that you’ve been dodging me for weeks. I’ll follow your ass if I have to”

M: “I know, I’m sorry but I have to go. Let’s get together early next week. I promise I’ll make some time for you.”

TB: “Listen mother fucker. You’ve said that for a month now and I’m not buying your shit. This is how it’s gonna happen right now. Either you’re gonna talk to me or I’m gonna follow your sorry ass wherever you’re going and embarrass the shit out of you.”

The  man was defeated. He knew what a stubborn and relentless adversary his younger friend could be and in this case it was clear he had made up his mind.

M: “alright. I really am going to be late though so I have to go soon.”

TB: “What the fuck happened to you man? You used to think of things on such universal global terms. You couldn’t conceive of a life in which you had so dramatically scaled back your expectations. I don’t mean to be a dick but you are an unequivocal failure. You have not accomplished a fraction of anything worthy and you’re not on track to do so. Quite the contrary actually as it appears you are moving the wrong direction. It’s hard to even look at you. I can’t reconcile the pathetic blob of flesh in front of me with that powerful determined young man you once were. While I’m generally agreeable to Locke’s view of identity in this case I am sympathetic to Hume because there doesn’t seem to be anything the same about the person in front of me and the person I once knew.”

M: “Well listen I appreciate the pep talk. Let’s get together next week man and I’ll let you berate me all that you want. I’m late”

TB: “FUUUCK THAT!! Dude I’m not letting ou blow me off. Answer me god damnit. Whatthe fuck happened to you? Why are you such a massive failure? Or have you receded so far from what you once were that you’re no longer even able to articulate your thoughts, mediocore and uninspired such as they are? I suppose there’s some of that mixed in with some arrogance. You know something I don’t. You’vel ived longer, experienced more, survived, learned to pick your battles, all that shit you used to hate hearing from your elders. You used to say all of that was different names for the same thing: fear. So now I borrow your own diagnosis and tell you that you are just a pathetic, afraid, beaten down, useless bastard. If you’re decided on continuing on this way you might as well off yourself right now I mean seriously we could use the reduced carbon footprint. I don’t know what the fuck happ…”

M: “OK shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. Yea there’s fear. I concede that. And I am ashamed of that. I do miss the person you speak of who was so fearless and determined. I miss him desparately. This vessel of life though, it is leaky old wooden boat. We wish it to be made of impenetrable steel but life beats down on you like a storm on a boat deep at sea. The storm of my early adulthood smashed the ship. I was left clinging on to this scrap of wood waiting for the storm to pass. You have to understand how hard it is to rebuild from that. It is true that from the wreckage you are liberated from all the nagging problems of the old vessel but now you have to rebuild a new one. And unlike most people I know I didn’t have the privilege of a dry dock. I’ve had to rebuild at sea on the fly with only my hands and whatever floating debris I can find. Then these assholes show up with their speedboats to race and even when I beat them 8 out of 10 times they can…”

TB: “woah there captain enough with the shitty boat metaphor. I get it. It’s not that I’m unsympathetic to that and it’s not that you didn’t use to be either it’s just that you understood the cause and effect nature of the mind. Sure terrible things happen. We endure suffering that is horrific and unimaginable. That is what we are cursed with in this wretched human condition of ours. The question is what the hell do we do about it? Do we shy away from fighting like a beaten dog? Do we surrender our hopes and dreams to the tyrant of human experience or do we defiantly resist to the bitter fucking end? I see these assholes running around with the dreadlocks in the drum circles mooching off productive society while preaching peace and love. Then I see the so-called champions of our society, the successful businessmen, politicians, sports stars whatever and they largely are mental slaves who will spend their whole lives moving 100miles an hour not knowing where the fuck they’re going. Then there are the huddled masses simply soliciting the fear of the day, stumbling about their lives trying to make the least waves.”

M: “Listen I hear you. I actually hear you and I appreciate being reminded of what you’re talking about. I wish I was further along. I promise you I do. Every night I lay down my head and I feel the failure through to the bone. I hate myself. I can’t control myself. I can’t focus myself. I can’t accomplish even a fraction of what I once dreamed of. In all of these matters you are right. I don’t know exactly how I got here. All I know is that a powerful idea has entered into my awareness that I believe is a potential way forward. In fact it is awareness itself. I can spend the rest of my life admonishing myself for past failures or indulging in the anxious projection of possible negative futures and in both cases I will find an infinite amount of material to draw from. Everything you said is true and more. However when I do so I fail to recognize the infinite power and importance of right now, this very moment. I’ve learned also that to the extent I am able to be present in the here and now the pain, the fear, the anxiety, the self-hatred it all melts away and not ignorantly or selfishly so. The phenomenon of human suffering will not go away and for me I know it will never stop pulling on me like gravity. What living in the moment offers though is a new force to push against it. I was watching a large ship leave the harbor today and as it began moving it caused huge waves that violently rocked many smaller boats. I’m not sure which boat I am but if it’s possible to be the big boat that thrashes around human suffering a bit than I would consider my life well lived. And if I’m the small boat then I just have to stay afloat I suppose.”

TB: “Well I know you’re late. I guess I was a little rude. You know I don’t meant anything, I’m just worried about the future of you. I don’t want you to look back on your life with regret and I’m worried that’s what you’re headed towards.”

M: “I know you didn’t mean anything by it and I know where you’re coming from. Honestly I’m glad you forced me to talk, I needed to hear what you had to say. I guess all I can tell you is that when you are worried about the future or when you are looking back at the past you are not in the present. I think you can be a good influence on me and help guide me if you start living in the present right now.

Speaking of right now I’m an hour late. I have to go. Talk to you later.”

TB: “Bye”