I meditated today for the first time in too long. It was like cleaning out some disgusting thing in your bathroom that was neglected too long. I had an image actually of a liquid that had pooled, it was green and poisonous and I was in it. I had an awareness that it was some kind of acid that would normally burn a person's skin off but I had grown so used to it that I could submerge my hand in it and while the pain was excruciating there was no noticeable change in appearance. A voice said "you aren't supposed to be able to stay in that" in this kind of horrified and shocked tone.
The other night I was having a dream and just as I was waking up a voice showed up and sort of commanded the attention of everyone in the room (my head being the room I guess) and just said "are you ready to get rid of all this shit she gave you". I was in that weird middle space between the dream world and the awake world. I was aware enough of what was going on to think and remember but I did not try to disturb my unconscious. That is happening more lately. The conscious and unconscious parts of my mind (I think that's what they are anyway) are coexisting more and the result is I can remember these vivid images and dreams from deep in my psyche. I have this vision I could see flickering today like an old film strip that was damaged or something. It is this kind of globe with a belt like semi-circular pattern going around the middle of it. The colors change and there is motion and I can sense it has some deeper importance for me but I lack the ability to describe it well. I need to visit it in my meditations I suppose to see what I can find out about it.
David used to talk about this deep fear, terror he would feel when he started a new piece. He said Allison would have to talk him down from quitting and nurse him back to sanity. I am of course but an instantly dead spark of magnesium from a fire starter to David's forrest fire but I have found myself with a similar feeling just before starting big projects lately. Today before I went to teach I was feeling so low, just a massive flow of flight response. So uneasy and awful. Meditation helped and then after I finished teaching I felt a great calm.
Now I am tired and oddly calm. Not a full calm but a calm that is really just the residue anxiety leaves behind when your body is too exhausted to sustain any more today.
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